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Goings on.

Posted on 2015.05.03 at 18:35
Yesterday we did the family outing thing. We went to the coffee shop and visited with people we knew there for a bit before heading to the comic store for Free Comic Day. Picked up a few that interested me and then we went to Boulevard Park and fed him in the shade, then popped him in the battle wagon and walked the path that runs along the shoreline. It was nice to get some sunshine and it was nice to spend time together as a family when we weren't running errands or hiding in the apartment. Dinner was fried shrimp and clams and the perfect end to the day.
The night was a different story, menstrual cramps and an allergic reaction to the flea bites on my upper left arm made nursing on the left difficult and painful so I tried to switch him to the other side but he wouldn't feed and kept screaming. I wanted to try and change him to see if he'd calm down with a dry diaper but the arm and the cramps and the screaming/flailing baby made it impossible. Called Chris for help but he was sound asleep and wouldn't wake up. I had to put the baby down and go wake him up, at which point I was a blubbering mess. He was pretty grumpy but was able to get Thumper changed and settled enough for me to try feeding him again. After a slightly more successful feeding, he went back to bed and I got to snuggle with a heating pad for my stomach and an ice pack for my arm.
This morning we woke up and did our normal morning routine; feed the baby, change the baby, dress the baby. And normally I'd make myself breakfast, but there were pans all over the stove so in order to be able to use the stove, I had to empty the dishwasher, fill it and wash the pans. And today, while I was at it, I finally got the damn pot washed. The one that's been sitting in the sink since I was pregnant? The one that's collected food and mold and started actually growing a plant of some sort? That pot. Is finally cleaned and the sink it was in has been scrubbed out so I once again have two sides of my sink and a feeling of relief that I don't have to deal with staring at that pot and feeling helpless. We had pineapple and bacon sausage and eggs for breakfast. Laundry done, bedding stripped so Chris could spray down the beds with flea treatment. And one of the mom's at my school had a Jamberry nail wraps party, so we went and hung out in the sun on a blanket and snacked on veggies and fruit and I got my nails done and socialized with other moms. Got home and fed Thumper in my rocking chair while listening to Oyasumi and feeling like everything was right with the world. Then we got a shower and played with bubbles. In half an hour I feed him again and put him down for bedtime and hopefully finish some laundry so I can get to bed early too. Who knows what this evening is going to be like... but right now we're doing good.


Status Update

Posted on 2015.04.22 at 18:06
Someone looking at my posts here alone might think I was 'not doing well', in all honesty that isn't the entire picture at all, I just end up on this journal when things get rocky and I need to purge in order to function. For the most part we're doing pretty good. Thumper is a remarkably good kiddo, I'm not sure how I got so lucky but I'm eternally grateful that he's as awesome as he is. He doesn't need to be held constantly, he's content to play on his play mat or in his bouncer chair for extended periods without screaming bloody murder. He actually goes to bed at a reasonable hour and while he usually wakes me up every three hours or so to feed, he usually goes back to sleep afterwards instead of staying up all night. He's a pretty happy kiddo, smiling and laughing and playing and I love him more than anything in the whole world.
I know I struggle with depression, it's easy for something to send me into a downward spiral. But seeing Thumper smile or hearing his laugh is a great remedy for that. So all in all, we ain't doing too bad. Really.

That said, I. Hate. Doctors. With the exception of the doctors at Interfaith and Planned Parenthood (who we saw when we didn't have insurance), I've yet to find one here that I feet at all comfortable with. Every one I've seen made me feel like a piece of meat to be processed and sent down the assembly line. Thumper has to see one every few months or so and each visit only fuels my distrust. This visit we once again touched on his growth- which is steady, but he's a little guy so they're "keeping an eye on things". They're also "keeping an eye" on his social progression because he doesn't reach for his reflection in the mirror or show interest in his toes. And we don't give him small objects to play with so we don't know how well he does picking them up or reaching for them.
Sometimes I feel like they're looking for something to be broken, just so they can fix it. Can't we just say; "Hey, he's happy and healthy, let's do the shot thing and move on"?

I mention that there's concern about postpartum and that I'd like to see about seeing someone to talk about it. Mention that I have a history of depression and yes, I've been on anti-depressants. Suddenly we're talking about medicating and how it will affect my breastfeeding. As in the possibility of having to pump or wean him. I didn't argue because we're going to have the actual discussion about it in a month, but there's no way I'm giving up feeding Thumper, I've fought too hard to get to this stage and breastfeeding is important enough to my mental well-being that I'm not stopping. I hate fighting with doctors, they have this smug tone of 'I'm the doctor, I know best' that makes me want to scream. It's what sabotaged nursing in the hospital.

Feeding can be a struggle. We're eating about every three hours- 7am, 10am, 1pm, 4pm, 7pm, 10pm and then about two or three times during the night, usually between 2 1/2 to 5 hours between feeding. But how long? We're feeding on one side at a time right now and sometimes he'll feed for ten minutes and then he'll let go and scream, latch back on for a few seconds and then let go and scream again. I'll put up with that for as long as I can before just giving up, I try and spend at least 18-20 minutes nursing, even if he's not nursing the entire time. Then there's the times he settles in and we're relaxing and hanging out for over half an hour. Those are the good feeds. Those are the reason I will NOT stop nursing. My nipples hurt, we're still mostly dependent on the nipple shields, his latching technique is abysmal, I have to use a special ointment and hydrogel pads and I worry about my milk supply, but I'm not giving up for nothin'. 'Cause when it works, it's the best feeling. I'm feeding my baby with milk from my own body and there's a seriously primal feeling of satisfaction in that. And the snuggling is awesome.

I am a little worried about crawling and sitting up, only because it often feels like we've got him laying down or propped up a lot and that he's not given a lot of opportunity to build those muscles. I also want to get him outside more but the porch isn't quite kiddo friendly yet. On the list of "I should get around to that" are more trips to the swimming pool and walking with his stroller. Today I set his bouncer seat on the back porch and let him play, being outside is good for both of us, and in funnier news- he's managed to grab the toys on his swing's mobile. The pleased look on his face is priceless.

Money worries (well of course there are those, aren't there always?)- We're doing well. I know we're doing well, we pay all our bills without too much trouble and can afford groceries. We're doing payments for my hospital bill (would have been cheaper to go to the birth center *bitchmoanwhine*) and after that we get to work on the bill for Chris' appendicitis. We just paid $76 for me to see the dentist for a cleaning and x-rays and there's a consultation and tooth extraction bill in the future. We also multiple visits for fillings down the road. Yay more stuff to pay off! So, payday comes and I'm looking at necessities- hydrogel pads and gloves. Then I'd like to get him a book. Yes, he's got a whole shelf of books, he needs more. I talk myself out of clothes for him- he still hasn't completely grown out of his 3 month clothes so I've told myself to hold off until those don't fit anymore and then we can see how he's doing. He's got plenty of toys, I do want to pick up a jumper for him that I can put in a doorway and a Bumpo chair to help him practice sitting. He's almost out of the bottle of bubbles someone got us as a baby gift, should I get more? We're both bad about impulse buys and about eating out when we should be eating at home. There are times we blow through the paycheck and nothing is put into savings. I'm working on that.

Accomplishing things:
Two loads of laundry done
Sheets folded
Dishwasher unloaded
Dishwasher loaded
Dinner started for tomorrow

More to be done, but trying to end on a positive note.


Rambling Thoughts

Posted on 2015.03.12 at 10:31

Thumper has discovered my necklace... and he firmly believes it needs to go in his mouth.

Dream last night about building a T.A.R.D.I.S. doll house while talking to an older woman who was looking to buy a house. She tells me about one house she wants to buy on Huron street and I let her know that Martin has looked at the place and it's a shack. All the while, I'm organizing furniture in different rooms. A bedroom, kitchen, bathroom and living room...

Driver this morning, a car started in the middle lane in front of me, dove into the left lane and back into the middle lane  to go around the car in front of them who apparently wasn't accelerating fast enough when the light turned green, then into the right lane, then all the way back to the left lane to go around two more cars and back across two lanes to make a right hand turn. I'm not a perfect driver, I make mistakes and I'm sure I've pissed off my share of drivers. But seeing someone who truly doesn't give a shit about basic courtesy infuriates me to no end. It makes me want to invest in a dashboard camera so I could report them because I didn't get a chance to get their plate number.

Chris bought a really nice ceramic butter dish. I was planning on getting a cheap-o plastic one but my husband is smarter than me because this one is microwave, dishwasher and oven safe.



Posted on 2015.02.20 at 19:48

Since I no longer have the luxury of skipping meals, I have started cooking. Which also prompts doing the dishes and cleaning the stove, sink and counters. All except the huge pot that's been sitting in the sink for months now, and today I moved it to discover that whatever has been collecting under it has actually started sprouting (some irony there, I can't keep a houseplant alive, but I can grow shit in the sink...). I stared at the sink for a moment and realized I actually don't have the energy to deal with it, no matter how easy it would be to just scrub out the pot and the sink, I just don't have the mental resources available to do it.
My coping skills are completely taken up with getting through my day. Getting out of bed, feeding the baby, getting the baby dressed, getting myself dressed, taking Chris to work, getting myself fed, getting to work, feeding the baby, changing the baby, getting through the day at work, getting home, feeding the baby, changing the baby, going and picking up Chris, feeding the baby, changing the baby (sometimes), fixing dinner, doing dishes, doing laundry, feeding the baby, changing the baby (sometimes), getting the baby to bed, going to bed myself, waking up to feed the baby, changing the baby, getting the baby back to bed and going back to bed, waking up to feed the baby, changing the baby, getting the baby back to bed and going back to bed, waking up to feed the baby, changing the baby, getting the baby back to bed and going back to bed and starting the day all over again... I have enough left to take the trash and recycles out, get the diapers out on Wednesdays, pay bills, give the baby a bath and sometimes I manage to get the bathroom clean.
So I stare at the sink and I have no motivation to clean it. It's like trying to tie my shoes in the morning, the smallest thing that becomes the biggest stumbling block in my day.
Eventually I will become irritated enough to push through and it'll get cleaned, but it's not happening today and probably not tomorrow either. Because I still have to take care of the trash and the laundry before putting the baby to bed.
I worry that I'll run out, that I won't have enough left in me to give my son what he needs. That he'll be like the sink, with me staring and knowing it needs to be taken care of, but not able to find the will to do it. Sometimes I sit and listen to him cry and I feel stuck, unable to make myself help him. He is so important to me, I want to be able to be there for him but this... it feels too big sometimes.


Jupiter Ascending with (spoilery bits?)

Posted on 2015.02.15 at 16:04

I wasn't actually intending to go see this, I figured it was more "Adaptation of YA novels desperately trying to imitate the success of the Hunger Games" along the lines of Divergent and Moral Instruments (and I think the Maze Runner, but I haven't looked too much into that one) and not really my cup of tea. But a few people saw it and said good things so I decided to leave the kiddo with daddy and take myself to see it as a Valentines Day gift and a way of saying screw you to 50 Shades of OHGODWHY.
I really enjoyed this movie. There were a few things that were "eh", but for the most part I'm looking around in confusion going, "Why isn't everyone else squeeing over this movie?" Okay, maybe there are a few people, but if there was a movie screaming for it's own fandom, this is it. At least I feel like it should be.
First of all, it is DAMN pretty. I did not see it in 3D, I've found that most action movies seem to loose something when translated to 3D- it's harder to see what's going on in the fight scenes and it becomes this big CGI mess that my brain hates. Even without the 3D though, I was blown away by the visuals. The effects create their own sense of drama. I also have no complaints about the actors, at no point did I feel like they were stilted or poorly chosen for their roles. I was actually really happy to see Sean Bean. (And he doesn't die!) And learning that Channing Tantum really had a hard time with the mouthpiece and still pulled off the part makes me more impressed with him than before.
The story itself... it wasn't a bad story. It felt like there was a lot more to it that wasn't covered and on one hand it was cool that the creators didn't spoon feed the viewer every little detail about what was going on. I was left wanting to know more about the universe that's been built and the characters in it though. I want to know more about the bounty hunters Razo and Ibis, Commander Diomika Tsing, her crew, the Aegis and the Legion, Stinger and Caine are Skyjackers in the Legion, what does that mean exactly? I need more Sean Bean as Stinger. The different planets interest me, Orus- where Jupiter had to do the paperwork, as well as the planets she's on when held by Kalique, Titus and Balem. And all the alien species, as well as gene splices!
So the story itself, a few holes- first the Keepers show up and find out that Katherine isn't the 'droid they're looking for' and catch Jupiter spying on them. They don't check her, find out who she is and kill her, apparently they just wipe her mind (but not her phone- sloppy, sloppy...) Now, apparently they went after Katherine because Jupiter signed up for a fertility clinic under her name (and somehow that's set off security alarms so now everyone is on earth looking for her) but they find out that Katherine isn't actually Jupiter and when Jupiter shows up at the fertility clinic they realize it's actually her and try to kill her... yeah- for the record, that's a mess.
And why do bees instinctively recognize royalty? What purpose does that serve? Aside from allowing us to have a really awesome scene where they get all swarm-happy around Jupiter (and it was gorgeous so I'm not complaining, much).
Some things I really loved, Jupiter's Dad has this brief part in the beginning, but I really fell in love with the guy and his death actually made me sad. Rocket boots- ROCKET BOOTS! "They harness the force of gravity, redirecting it into differential equation slips so you can surf." "Yeah, I heard "gravity" and "surf"." "Up is hard, Down is easy." Rocket. Boots. "Your Majesty, I have more in common with a dog than I have with you." "I love dogs, I've always loved dogs." Her face after this... I've had those moments... Also, the reactions to her using a maxi pad to cover his wound... I'm easily amused. Now, I was prepared to be irked with this movie because Jupiter spends a crazy amount of time being rescued by Caine- understandably there's a lot of shit she's not exactly equipped to deal with and when weird fleshy-aliens are shooting at you, having the military trained guy with rocket boots(!) and some kind of arm shield do the heavy lifting seems reasonable. But DAMN she spends a lot of time getting rescued. Right up until the end. When she's left alone with Balem and he's being an asshole and she kicks him in the jimmies, shoots him in the leg and then goes to town with a pipe. I almost stood up and cheered. I'm also pleased with how she handles waking up with a strange guy who got her dressed. And the whole conversation about the gun... and her response to learning about aliens... in general, she was an excellent 'damsel in semi-distress' because when it came down to it, she made the choice to go to Balem in order to save her family and then nicely told him to fuck off. And the guy they got to play Balem... he was impressive. The character itself was interesting, the whole 'controlling, power-hungry with layers' kind of bad guy, I enjoyed it. His siblings were pretty two-dimensional. Kalique- who is totally okay with mass genocide to extend her own life and Titus- who's amoral, manipulative and a narcissist... yeah. Still good acting.
The romance thing was... well there was definitely chemistry between the actors and that helped. It's hard to believe in the sincerity of the character's feelings when there really isn't much time for them to spend with each other when they aren't running from death. And the whole, "I'm not worthy of licking your boots" thing was kinda 'meh'. But the scene where they're talking about biting... I had a shit eating grin on my face. They were cute, there was no fucking love triangle (you hear me, YA adaptations- love triangles are NOT SEXY!) and I'd ship it.
There wasn't any deep meaning to the story. A little of the 'dystopian society where the privileged do some pretty whacked stuff' was certainly present, if you're going to be a space princess who owns the earth, maybe cleaning a few toilets isn't so bad and family is important... basic stuff like that. But for the most part it was just fun. And then there were wings. Of course there were wings, there HAS to be wings... and more rocket boots(!)... y'know what? Nobody sparkled, I'm happy. And I want more so I'm hoping that they manage to do well enough to decide to do more with it. Come on, if Divergent did well enough to deserve a second movie, we should be able to get something...

Oh hey, totally forgot the movie poster! You know, the one where Jupiter doesn't pose like she's got a broken back and is standing face forward? Nicely done. As well as her request for comfy clothes... it made me smile.



Posted on 2015.02.11 at 23:08

My flavor of depression comes in the form of lists. All the things I need to do, the never ending cycle of things I need to do better and the constant feeling of "I can't do this." With the baby, I have a new stack of things I'm not getting done. Load and unload the dishwasher, take out the trash and recycles, load and unload the washing machine and dryer, fold the clothes and put them away, clean the counters, sinks, stove, toilet, bathtub and sweep the floors. Pick up trash, organize clutter, pay bills and organize receipts. Take my supplements, feed and water the cats, feed the fish, clean the fish tank. Now I also feed the baby, change his diaper, get him dressed, take care of his laundry, burp him and he also needs to be played with, sang to, read to, talked to, rocked and held. And the responsibility for dinner has become mine because I HAVE to eat in order to be able to feed the baby. So now I plan meals, shop for ingredients and prepare the meals. With my depression, little things start to slide, dishes stay in the sink, laundry sits in the dryer or the basket, the bathroom goes uncleaned, the baby gets set in the swing... and that nagging feeling of failure eats at me. It's not good enough, it'll never be good enough, it'll never be done. I just want to shut down and push it all away. Or curl up and sleep forever. God, sleep sounds so sweet when I'm looking at two hours of rest and then more screaming baby who needs to be fed and changed and burped...



Posted on 2015.01.27 at 21:24
Crying baby upstairs, I let him cry too much but it's only two hours, why do I feel guilty for laying him down, the bathroom needs to be cleaned, the vacuuming and the snack taken care of. I'm bringing him down in the sling and he isn't crazy about it, but I can vacuum and have him with me. I pulled something in my wrist and it's killing me, even with the brace. I have an infected hangnail on my big toe so it hurts to walk, sweating and my back aches while I carry him and worry that the wrap he's in isn't holding him properly. It's past his meal time and I need to take him home, the bathroom isn't going to get done this time and someone else will have to handle snack, I've got to load all his stuff and mine into the car, no time to wrestle him into his coat, just carry everything out...

Dinner's almost done, the baby needs to nurse, just give me a second until the rice starts boiling and then it'll simmer for twenty minutes and I can feed the baby, he's actually nursing really well for once and there goes the timer for the rice, just two more minutes to feed him, the rice is burned, there's too much lemon juice in the chicken, not enough chicken. I see the rice that was thrown in the trash and feel like a failure. I hate seeing food wasted, ate the rice even if it was crunchy...

He's screaming to be fed and I have to set him down; I need to get dressed, get a bandaid on my toe, the towels need to be hung up from the bath, dirty diapers need to be put out for pickup, trash cans need to be emptied and trash taken out, the laundry is piling up, dirty clothes need to be scrubbed to keep from staining and washed, clothes in the dryer need to be taken out and added to the pile I need to fold, he's out of diaper covers in the drawer, I need to fold up more and put them away, put everything away. Need to turn the crock pot down to warm so the chicken for tomorrow's dinner doesn't over cook. The glass and the orange juice bottle need to be taken from the bedroom and I can't find Grumpy (his pacifier/stuffed animal)...

This paycheck I want to get a 10 session swim pass for us so we can spend more time at the pool, need to get more hydrogel pads, latex gloves, pick up an extra nipple cover because I keep loosing the one I have. My wrist brace is wearing out and I'm running low on lanolin. I have two books for myself in my Amazon shopping cart but with all the other expenses, should I take them out?

Going to have to come up with another five meals and a grocery list, going to have to do grocery shopping, oil in the car needs checking before we head to Seattle this weekend.

For a moment I feel the pressure, I just want to go away, curl up, but there's too much to do.
First time on the computer today, too tired and no time with everything else going on... I want a moment to play my game, check my e-mail and messages, read my Facebook feed... instead I make myself get ready to go to bed early in case we have another night where he doesn't sleep.


Mommy Worries

Posted on 2015.01.20 at 14:52
Is he sleeping enough/too much?
Am I playing/interacting with him enough?
Is he spending too much time in the swing/in his crib?
Am I getting enough to eat?
Am I getting enough to drink?
Is he eating frequently enough?
Is he getting enough to eat when I feed him?
Is he crying too much?
Should I let him cry or try to comfort him?
Should I let him cry in his crib or bring him to bed with me?
What am I forgetting to take care of today?


Four articles to read and think about.

Posted on 2015.01.11 at 10:56




And the comments say "no color just the way we all should give to each other".
So here's the story, little boy wants to learn how to hunt. He lives with his mom and she's too sick to take him so he asks a local sheriffs dept. for someone to help him. They get him on a plane to get him with a department that's offering to help him. They get him outfitted and take him out and he has a blast. It was a great example of the police doing a good thing.

So why is it that the first thing I think about when I look at the picture is how it's okay for a 9 year-old white boy to run around with an actual rifle, but a 12 year old black kid has a toy gun and is killed for it- who in their right mind lets a kid run around with a toy like that, obviously he deserved it.

It bothers me that we hear about a tragedy and find a way to blame those who are suffering from the loss of their child. Because we aren't comfortable with the idea that our police force has become frighteningly militarized and racially profile the people they're supposed to be protecting. It bothers me that we pretend this isn't a racial issue and instead of being outraged by the misuse of authority, it's said that people need to be more submissive to the police when they're out of control.

Last time I checked, the penalty for resisting arrest wasn't death. Last time I checked, wearing baggy pants wasn't against the law (the laws of decent taste- yes, but that's not the issue). And I'm sick of the implication that due process isn't necessary if the arresting officer decides to 'dispense justice' on their own.

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