Growing...Posted on 2015.02.20 at 19:48
Since I no longer have the luxury of skipping meals, I have started cooking. Which also prompts doing the dishes and cleaning the stove, sink and counters. All except the huge pot that's been sitting in the sink for months now, and today I moved it to discover that whatever has been collecting under it has actually started sprouting (some irony there, I can't keep a houseplant alive, but I can grow shit in the sink...). I stared at the sink for a moment and realized I actually don't have the energy to deal with it, no matter how easy it would be to just scrub out the pot and the sink, I just don't have the mental resources available to do it.
My coping skills are completely taken up with getting through my day. Getting out of bed, feeding the baby, getting the baby dressed, getting myself dressed, taking Chris to work, getting myself fed, getting to work, feeding the baby, changing the baby, getting through the day at work, getting home, feeding the baby, changing the baby, going and picking up Chris, feeding the baby, changing the baby (sometimes), fixing dinner, doing dishes, doing laundry, feeding the baby, changing the baby (sometimes), getting the baby to bed, going to bed myself, waking up to feed the baby, changing the baby, getting the baby back to bed and going back to bed, waking up to feed the baby, changing the baby, getting the baby back to bed and going back to bed, waking up to feed the baby, changing the baby, getting the baby back to bed and going back to bed and starting the day all over again... I have enough left to take the trash and recycles out, get the diapers out on Wednesdays, pay bills, give the baby a bath and sometimes I manage to get the bathroom clean.
So I stare at the sink and I have no motivation to clean it. It's like trying to tie my shoes in the morning, the smallest thing that becomes the biggest stumbling block in my day.
Eventually I will become irritated enough to push through and it'll get cleaned, but it's not happening today and probably not tomorrow either. Because I still have to take care of the trash and the laundry before putting the baby to bed.
I worry that I'll run out, that I won't have enough left in me to give my son what he needs. That he'll be like the sink, with me staring and knowing it needs to be taken care of, but not able to find the will to do it. Sometimes I sit and listen to him cry and I feel stuck, unable to make myself help him. He is so important to me, I want to be able to be there for him but this... it feels too big sometimes.