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wander

Growing...

Posted on 2015.02.20 at 19:48

Since I no longer have the luxury of skipping meals, I have started cooking. Which also prompts doing the dishes and cleaning the stove, sink and counters. All except the huge pot that's been sitting in the sink for months now, and today I moved it to discover that whatever has been collecting under it has actually started sprouting (some irony there, I can't keep a houseplant alive, but I can grow shit in the sink...). I stared at the sink for a moment and realized I actually don't have the energy to deal with it, no matter how easy it would be to just scrub out the pot and the sink, I just don't have the mental resources available to do it.
My coping skills are completely taken up with getting through my day. Getting out of bed, feeding the baby, getting the baby dressed, getting myself dressed, taking Chris to work, getting myself fed, getting to work, feeding the baby, changing the baby, getting through the day at work, getting home, feeding the baby, changing the baby, going and picking up Chris, feeding the baby, changing the baby (sometimes), fixing dinner, doing dishes, doing laundry, feeding the baby, changing the baby (sometimes), getting the baby to bed, going to bed myself, waking up to feed the baby, changing the baby, getting the baby back to bed and going back to bed, waking up to feed the baby, changing the baby, getting the baby back to bed and going back to bed, waking up to feed the baby, changing the baby, getting the baby back to bed and going back to bed and starting the day all over again... I have enough left to take the trash and recycles out, get the diapers out on Wednesdays, pay bills, give the baby a bath and sometimes I manage to get the bathroom clean.
So I stare at the sink and I have no motivation to clean it. It's like trying to tie my shoes in the morning, the smallest thing that becomes the biggest stumbling block in my day.
Eventually I will become irritated enough to push through and it'll get cleaned, but it's not happening today and probably not tomorrow either. Because I still have to take care of the trash and the laundry before putting the baby to bed.
I worry that I'll run out, that I won't have enough left in me to give my son what he needs. That he'll be like the sink, with me staring and knowing it needs to be taken care of, but not able to find the will to do it. Sometimes I sit and listen to him cry and I feel stuck, unable to make myself help him. He is so important to me, I want to be able to be there for him but this... it feels too big sometimes.


Comments:


fretherne
fretherne at 2015-03-06 14:53 (UTC) (Link)
It is a long time since I last read your journal. In fact the last entry I can remember is when some incompetent garage changed your tyres and left a wheel loose. I still feel angry when I think of that. Especially the attempt to charge you for looking at their criminal negligence.

This entry is also rather an unhappy one. You were always full of fun and life when I read your entries before. I may be wrong but I seem to remember that winter was always a bad time for you. Many people are affected by the shorter daylight times. I assume you live in a northern state where it can be a little more acute. I think they have invented some fancy name for the condition - Seasonal Affective Disorder. Spending as much time outside as possible although your winter will be far worse than mine is either in the North of England or in Prague. I believe brightly lighting the house may help. It won't help your power bill much but it may help you.

Your coping skills are far greater than you think. As a mere man even I realise how demanding a baby can be. I know you can cope with it. Are there any other young mothers nearby you can sort of share things with?

I am a great procrastinatoor but fortunately Anna, being German, is not. The only way I manage to get things done is by using to do lists and so enjoying ticking things off it.

I remember from your journal thinking you are a very special person. You can do all of this. Spring is just around the corner. I promise you will feel better.

Please forgive me giving advice like this but like anyone who reads your journal we want you to feel happy.

Would it be presumptious to give you a hug?

Keeley
dubhradh at 2015-05-02 18:02 (UTC) (Link)
You're right, winter is always rough for me, and this year was quite a change, one that I was expecting but even knowing that my entire life was going to change was a bit different from going through that change. I'm actually going to be working with our doctor to see what options we have to help me with coping. And on the whole, things aren't too bad. I tend to use my livejournal as a way to vent when I feel frustrated, so all the good things get left unsaid.
Kiddo is amazing. I have a Facebook photo album with hundreds of pictures of his happy, smiling face and he's only six months. He's growing like crazy and has learned to roll over, he's vocalizing and laughing now, he has two teeth coming in and has handled it like a champ with no screaming fits or fevers. Mostly he drools a lot and chews on his teething toys and wants to be held a bit more often. Usually he's happy to play on his play mat or his bouncer chair and now that he's figured out how to hold onto things, has quite a few toys he enjoys waving around and trying to get into his mouth. He's very social, we took him to a convention and he loved the attention he got from everyone around who made faces at him and told him how adorable he is. He goes to sleep around 8 at night and will wake up to feed every three hours or so and then goes back to sleep after I change him, so he's not sleeping through the night but he's also not keeping me up all night. He also sleeps in his crib with no problem and that's apparently a big deal at his age. Thumper looses his mind over only a few things; when he's hungry, when he's wet, when he's bored and when he's tired and doesn't want to sleep but really needs to. He has a pretty set schedule to allow me to feed him before and after I take him to work with me and getting off that schedule results in him being more cranky than usual. It's not always easy guessing which of those is the problem and he is a dedicated fusser- when he's mad he will let you know he's upset until you fix the problem, but I've had so many parents tell me about their child who wouldn't sleep unless they were held and cried unless they were sleeping, I'm really lucky.
Your words helped a lot, spring is here now and looking out the window at the leaves on the trees, the blue sky and the sunshine reminded me of what you said. Thank you.
And hugs are always appreciated. ^^
fretherne
fretherne at 2015-05-06 00:34 (UTC) (Link)
What a super surprise to get an LJ notification that you had replied to my comment back at the start of March. I don't always check my email regularly so the four day delay is down to me!

It rather reminds me of a Swedish physicist I worked with once. She was rather taciturn but told me she was from the north of Sweden and people do not talk much up there. Even husbands and wives would only speak to each other about once a month. AND THEN ONLY IF THEY HAD SOMETHING TO SAY!!

I am not at all sure how I found your new livejournal. I think I was tidying up my old livejournal. I rarely post since life is far too boring now to share :-) I looked on the Anna Sophia journal. I know realise that you may mean this journal to be private just for venting so I hope I haven't intruded. Let me know if you would prefer to keep it that way and I will respect your privacy.

Anyway I still see little flashes in this journal of the 'old' Anna Sophia, pirate queen and emperor. Being A mom is far more difficult but ultimately far more important. You're right Spring is here. The days are longer and brighter and you'll feel your spirits rise.

As you say journals are for venting and this is a two way process so stand back

I want to go back to Prague CVUT to work.
I want to ride my Flying Brick across Europe to go back there.
Anna won't let me! :-( but she's right of course!

hug
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