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wander

Status Update

Posted on 2015.04.22 at 18:06
Someone looking at my posts here alone might think I was 'not doing well', in all honesty that isn't the entire picture at all, I just end up on this journal when things get rocky and I need to purge in order to function. For the most part we're doing pretty good. Thumper is a remarkably good kiddo, I'm not sure how I got so lucky but I'm eternally grateful that he's as awesome as he is. He doesn't need to be held constantly, he's content to play on his play mat or in his bouncer chair for extended periods without screaming bloody murder. He actually goes to bed at a reasonable hour and while he usually wakes me up every three hours or so to feed, he usually goes back to sleep afterwards instead of staying up all night. He's a pretty happy kiddo, smiling and laughing and playing and I love him more than anything in the whole world.
I know I struggle with depression, it's easy for something to send me into a downward spiral. But seeing Thumper smile or hearing his laugh is a great remedy for that. So all in all, we ain't doing too bad. Really.

That said, I. Hate. Doctors. With the exception of the doctors at Interfaith and Planned Parenthood (who we saw when we didn't have insurance), I've yet to find one here that I feet at all comfortable with. Every one I've seen made me feel like a piece of meat to be processed and sent down the assembly line. Thumper has to see one every few months or so and each visit only fuels my distrust. This visit we once again touched on his growth- which is steady, but he's a little guy so they're "keeping an eye on things". They're also "keeping an eye" on his social progression because he doesn't reach for his reflection in the mirror or show interest in his toes. And we don't give him small objects to play with so we don't know how well he does picking them up or reaching for them.
Sometimes I feel like they're looking for something to be broken, just so they can fix it. Can't we just say; "Hey, he's happy and healthy, let's do the shot thing and move on"?

I mention that there's concern about postpartum and that I'd like to see about seeing someone to talk about it. Mention that I have a history of depression and yes, I've been on anti-depressants. Suddenly we're talking about medicating and how it will affect my breastfeeding. As in the possibility of having to pump or wean him. I didn't argue because we're going to have the actual discussion about it in a month, but there's no way I'm giving up feeding Thumper, I've fought too hard to get to this stage and breastfeeding is important enough to my mental well-being that I'm not stopping. I hate fighting with doctors, they have this smug tone of 'I'm the doctor, I know best' that makes me want to scream. It's what sabotaged nursing in the hospital.

Feeding can be a struggle. We're eating about every three hours- 7am, 10am, 1pm, 4pm, 7pm, 10pm and then about two or three times during the night, usually between 2 1/2 to 5 hours between feeding. But how long? We're feeding on one side at a time right now and sometimes he'll feed for ten minutes and then he'll let go and scream, latch back on for a few seconds and then let go and scream again. I'll put up with that for as long as I can before just giving up, I try and spend at least 18-20 minutes nursing, even if he's not nursing the entire time. Then there's the times he settles in and we're relaxing and hanging out for over half an hour. Those are the good feeds. Those are the reason I will NOT stop nursing. My nipples hurt, we're still mostly dependent on the nipple shields, his latching technique is abysmal, I have to use a special ointment and hydrogel pads and I worry about my milk supply, but I'm not giving up for nothin'. 'Cause when it works, it's the best feeling. I'm feeding my baby with milk from my own body and there's a seriously primal feeling of satisfaction in that. And the snuggling is awesome.

I am a little worried about crawling and sitting up, only because it often feels like we've got him laying down or propped up a lot and that he's not given a lot of opportunity to build those muscles. I also want to get him outside more but the porch isn't quite kiddo friendly yet. On the list of "I should get around to that" are more trips to the swimming pool and walking with his stroller. Today I set his bouncer seat on the back porch and let him play, being outside is good for both of us, and in funnier news- he's managed to grab the toys on his swing's mobile. The pleased look on his face is priceless.

Money worries (well of course there are those, aren't there always?)- We're doing well. I know we're doing well, we pay all our bills without too much trouble and can afford groceries. We're doing payments for my hospital bill (would have been cheaper to go to the birth center *bitchmoanwhine*) and after that we get to work on the bill for Chris' appendicitis. We just paid $76 for me to see the dentist for a cleaning and x-rays and there's a consultation and tooth extraction bill in the future. We also multiple visits for fillings down the road. Yay more stuff to pay off! So, payday comes and I'm looking at necessities- hydrogel pads and gloves. Then I'd like to get him a book. Yes, he's got a whole shelf of books, he needs more. I talk myself out of clothes for him- he still hasn't completely grown out of his 3 month clothes so I've told myself to hold off until those don't fit anymore and then we can see how he's doing. He's got plenty of toys, I do want to pick up a jumper for him that I can put in a doorway and a Bumpo chair to help him practice sitting. He's almost out of the bottle of bubbles someone got us as a baby gift, should I get more? We're both bad about impulse buys and about eating out when we should be eating at home. There are times we blow through the paycheck and nothing is put into savings. I'm working on that.

Accomplishing things:
Two loads of laundry done
Sheets folded
Dishwasher unloaded
Dishwasher loaded
Dinner started for tomorrow

More to be done, but trying to end on a positive note.

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